U.S. elections are around the corner and you can feel it in the air. I know
you’re bombarded, so I’m going to keep this short and sweet.
As a mediator and a coach, I am passionate about difference. But right now, I know that difference for many is equal to division.
Our vote often represents our values, so feelings run high.
Here are a few techniques that have worked for me to prevent escalation:
- Check assumptions before responding: At times when I’ve talked to people with different views and they said something that triggered me, I assumed I knew exactly what they meant. But upon further discussion, I realized I didn’t have the whole picture. Here are a few ways to check those assumptions at the door.
- Use the phrase “Tell me more”: This phrase not only invites clarification, but also gives you time to process your thoughts rather than responding with a knee jerk reaction.
- Ask questions and reflect back: As the person tells you more, ask for clarification and reflect back what you heard. You do not have to agree with any of the content.
- Pause 4 seconds: If you find yourself getting angry or frustrated, research shows pausing for 2 to 4 seconds allows your brain chemistry to shift to the part of the brain that responds from choice rather than reaction. You can say “Let me think about that for a second” to buy yourself time.
- Share from your own perspective: When we share our opinion, we often do so as if that opinion is a universal truth. This escalates tension quickly. Instead, try sharing your opinion from your own vantage point. For example: “This issue really hits home for me. From my perspective, I can’t support that policy.” No need to tone down your opinion, just the rhetoric that goes with it.
- Zoom out to the total humanity: People’s political opinions are not all of them. Every human has their own lived experiences, stories, and ways of being in the world. Rather than ignore those aspects, zoom out to see people in their totality. This doesn’t mean agreement or consenting to a view you believe is wrong. It means that you can disagree without losing sight of the other person’s humanity.
I know these techniques won’t solve our big problems, but I have seen them prevent the loss of cherished relationships. They take practice, so be patient with yourself and others.
If you want to learn more about these techniques and others, visit Braver Angels at www.braverangels.org.
Breathe deep and carry on.
