A client of mine once came to me after a
training class in tears. She asked to
speak
to me in private after the other participants
had left. I escorted her to a chair, gave her
a tissue and asked what was wrong.
“It’s my boss,” she said. “He is Taiwanese
and won’t listen to me at all. I’m in
charge of making sure our products and
processes meet federal regulations. So I go
in and I tell him, ‘OSHA won’t approve this.
We need to change it.’ He just stays calm and
ignores all my suggestions. I’m from New
Jersey and we tell it like it is. My
boss is just too stubborn to hear me. I have
a feeling it has something to do with this
indirect communication thing you talked about
in class.”
I listened to her story, nodding
empathetically. At last I asked her, “What is
your objective? What are you trying to
accomplish when you meet with your boss?” She
replied that compliance with regulations
topped the list, after all that was a legal
issue.
I said, “What if I told you that your boss is
listening to you, but that your direct and
somewhat confrontational style is causing him
to lose face? What if you could just flex
your style a little to meet your objective?”
She cracked a smile and said, “I thought I
had toned my directness down. I guess it
wasn’t enough.” We began to work together on
a new approach, one in which my client could
still state her case but not cause conflict
with her boss.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard
people say to me, “Being indirect is
dishonest. I like to call a spade a spade and
be straight with people.”
I understand their frustration, but what they
are experiencing is a common communication
gap that can be bridged. In large parts of
the world, key global players like India,
Japan, Korea and China, value a more indirect
style of communication. Why? Not to be
“dishonest” or “beat around the bush” but to
preserve harmony and give face.
This indirect style of communication is
characterized by a non-confrontational
demeanor, modesty, use of non-verbal cues and
verbal hints. The main point of the message
may not be in what is said, but rather what
is not said.
People from cultures who prefer a more direct
style such as the U.S., Germany and
Switzerland often struggle to give feedback
that does not cause loss of face for citizens
of more indirect cultures.
But the skill is worth acquiring. In this day
and age, globalization will put you in touch
with people from places like India and China,
whether you seek them out or not. The art of
giving indirect feedback provides you with an
increased communication repertoire, a higher
level of diplomacy and a higher likelihood
for success in negotiations.
Why should you put in the effort to learn
this skill? When someone from an indirect
culture loses face, they often shut down and
shut doors, and in business that translates
to lost revenue.
People ask me, “If I prefer a direct style,
how do I learn something so counter to my
preference?”
- First, start small. Take some time to
observe how direct you are relative to the
other party. For example, I have heard folks
from the Southern U.S. say they thought they
were indirect until they met someone from
Japan!
- Emphasize building relationships; use
private meetings and time outside of work to
ask about a person’s aspirations and
opinions.
- Ask third parties to convey delicate
information; this is a common technique among
indirect cultures.
- Give clear examples and instructions in
advance to reduce the chance of mistakes that
would be criticized later; try to avoid
direct criticism and emphasize that even
wrong answers have merit.
- Tell a story about when you made a
similar mistake.
- Try to avoid saying “no” directly by
using open phrases such as “interesting idea”
or “that is being considered.”
- Be patient – your colleagues might
become
more direct over time but if they do, they
will take small steps.
- Try to maintain politeness and emotional
control whenever possible.
- Present your key message in several
different ways and confirm
understanding.
- Remember there are exceptions to every
rule. People from indirect cultures can often
be very direct about certain topics.
If you can learn the art of giving indirect
feedback, you are much more likely to feel
comfortable in this new global environment
knowing you have a fuller toolbox of
communication styles. You don’t have to
change yourself, just add on new skills.
Tune in again next month when we talk about
uncovering when “yes” means “no.”
A client of mine once came to me after a
training class in tears. She asked to
speak
to me in private after the other participants
had left. I escorted her to a chair, gave her
a tissue and asked what was wrong.
